“Have you loved your neighbough?”  St Peter asked at the gates of Heaven with his check list in his hands.
“My neighbough was a racist, and she kicked my cat.” I replied.

“Did you help those around you?”
“I helped those who had the courage to ask me.”

“Did you honor your mother and father?”
“I honored my mother, but anyone who honored my father was left disappointed.”

“Did you give to the poor beggar on the street? That was your Lord in disguise.”
“If the Lord was a beggar then he should know that he was better off then me.”

“Did you ever take the Lords name in vein?”
“Yes, but only to prove a point that the Lords word was lost on me.”

“Did you ever learn from your Lords teachings?”
“I tried to fast for 40 days, but the doctor diagnosed me anorexic.”

“Did you ever get tempted by the Devil?”
“Yes, I fell in love and haven’t stopped falling!”

“Did you mean the words you said in church?”
“No, I said them with lament in my heart!”

“Did you not even pray at your grandfather’s funeral?”
“I PRAYED FOR HIS RESTING PEACE, NOT TO HIS GOD”

“Did you ever do a good deed without needing any reward?”
“Every good deed is selfish and those who don’t seek rewards, seek nothing”

“DID YOU EVER LOVE ANYONE BUT YOURSELF?”
“I LOVED, BUT NO ONE CARED ENOUGH TO LOVE ME!”

“DO YOU REPENT FOR ANY OF YOUR SINS?”
“MY SINS MADE ME WHAT I AM, I WOULDN’T CHANGE THAT!”

“Do you deserve Heaven?”
“I’m only mortal; I need everything I can get.”